There are many different types of polyamorous relationships, as many different kinds as there are people in this world. The following article is mainly an account of one couple who engage in a polyamorous relationship and is by no means intended to encompass the entire spectrum of practices, beliefs and relationships practiced under polyamory. I encourage anyone who feels they would like to tell their story in regard to polyamory, or any other topics touched on in the article, to contact me at: [email protected]
Have you ever seen someone’s relationship on social media as “in an open relationship” and wonder what the hell it means? Being extremely curious by nature I decided to embark on a hunt for the meaning of that particular status indication.
I met Frank Villasana and Sabine Green, 2 locals who, at first glance, appear to be your average couple in a committed, monogamous relationship. However, upon talking with them about their relationship, I quickly discovered “average” is not the term I would use to describe their relationship. They are in a polyamorous relationship.
“Poly-what” you say? Well, it is defined as the “non possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously” on the website Polyamory Society. To simplify, polyamory means being in a committed relationship with multiple people simultaneously, with each partner’s knowledge and agreement. In fact in a recent article in Scientific American , an estimated 5 percent of Americans are seeking love and companionship outside their relationships, with the full knowledge, consent and support of their partners. That is a staggering statistic! Green and Villasana say they are simply following their instinctual, animal natures.
“After all we’re animals, whether people like to believe that or not,” Villasana says.
He gives his definition of polyamory:
“What poly really means is that it allows you to explore your emotional attachments to various partners and to explore that love and the giving of love. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being sexually active. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be an orgy as soon as you walk into your poly room, or whatever.”
Together the couple makes up what is referred to as the “primary relationship.” There is certainly a lot of gray area when it comes to defining terms in reference to polyamory, but simply described, the primary relationship is the closest relationship type and is given priority over other relationships. “Satellite relationships” are those sought outside of the primary relationship. Ideally within any polyamorous relationships, very clear boundaries and expectations have been devised. For Green and Villasana, open communication and honesty are the foundation upon which the success of their relationship rests.
“When one of us has an interest in dating someone, we have a policy to negotiate [that interest] in person before we go out with that other person; texting is out of the question, and we won’t even do phone calls,” Green explained. “We sit face to face, holding hands, so we have that physical connection, and to be able to talk and feel what the other person is feeling.”
Villasana has been poly for several years. He was married for a time and revealed the relationship helped reinforce the reasons he chose to ditch convention.
“When I was married I was not allowed, for 10 years, to communicate with or speak to my best friend who’s female. It was even worse because I consider her [my best friend] my longest poly relationship, even before I knew what poly was, or that label came around. I wasn’t able to talk to her and that was very painful for me.”
For him being poly means having the freedom to love who he wants without the restrictions set by committing to monogamy.
“Polyamory for me means that I’m free to love and share my love and feelings with people who I can trust, feel connected to, who really mean something in my life, and not have to give up that love or that caring, or communication because I have a girlfriend or because I’m married,” he explained.
Similarly, Green offers her meaning of the relationship choice:
“[Polyamory] means the freedom to be able to explore,” she said. ”I know the nature of what I am and that having a romantic interest in somebody waxes and wanes throughout a relationship, so being able to explore that with other people is really important.”
She is a relative newcomer to polyamory. After sharing a lengthy friendship, she and Villasana hooked up and have been together for 3 years. Having been in monogamous relationships, including a marriage, her entire adult life, the transition to poly has been slow.
“I do a lot of reading, a lot of self help books, to help work through stuff. They say to spend 2 years developing your primary relationship in a poly relationship before dating others,” she says. “So it’s been baby steps.”
She explained polyamory has helped her unleash the woman she feels she was always meant to be and to connect in a deeper way to the person (or people) she loves. In her relationship with Villasana, she is enjoying a new-found emotional emancipation and learning to shed residual feelings of guilt, insecurity and jealousy that were in the forefront of previous relationships.
“The hardest part is sharing with Frank when I have an interest because I immediately associate it with guilt,” she explains. “Being a strong-willed female, it’s super important for me to do what I need to do. It seems a little harsh or crass to the rest of the world, but I’m not looking to get married or to have children.”
Common misconceptions the couple is often confronted with from friends and family include equating polyamory with swinging. Just look on any social media or informational site for polyamory, and you’ll find some very clear distinctions between the 2 practices. The main difference is swinging is sex-based, whereas polyamory is based on developing emotional connections, with sex being optional.
Another common misapprehension is that being polyamorous automatically translates to being promiscuous. Not so for Green and Villasana. As mentioned, the 2 have clear definitions of whom their partner is dating and when that date will occur. For them being in an open relationship is not about debauchery and free love.
For many of us the norm for romantic involvements is the standard, monogamous relationship. It naturally follows suit that the question of jealousy would arise in regard to polyamorous practices. Jealousy over time spent with someone else, jealousy over the emotional connection, jealousy over the possibility that the sex is better with the other partner—the list is endless. It seems one would have to possess rock solid self confidence and be virtually insusceptible to the emotion in order to be in an open relationship. However as they reveal, Villasana and Green are not immune to the emotion.
Villasana says he doesn’t experience jealousy very often, but has a plan for when the emotion rears its ugly head. He elaborates:
“This is a mode I’ve been in for many, many years. You have to catch that instinct and ask where it comes from. I have to ask myself why I’m jealous and if there’s something wrong in the relationship or within me. When jealousy arises I have to do internal checks on myself. Jealousy usually comes from one of my own insecurities.”
For Green, the emotion often arises from the potential deficit that could occur if her partner decides to engage in a satellite relationship.
“I feel the resources, whether time, money, or otherwise, are very limited with Frank and if someone is going to take that, then that’s where the threat can come in,” she says. “So Frank and I sit down and talk about things, but usually I don’t even have to say anything—he can already sense something’s going.”
Text: Denise Nelson-Prieto
Illustration: Heidi Steinmetz