I have to admit I had some slight apprehensions about my meeting with Mistress Ruby. I had to keep reminding myself that this was just another interview and that I was just doing my job. But the nerves kept flaring up. Then she walked in and I knew my intuition had not betrayed me. Towering over me at nearly six feet in height, and an air of elegance and sophistication, she commands respect and instills a desire to obey and listen with rapt attention.
Mistress Ruby has agreed to allow me to interview her about her line of work. For all intents and purposes, her profession lies in the customer service industry; she is paid to administer services to clients. These services are not your run-of-the-mill “brew me a soy latte” or “grab me a size 10 instead” customer requests. Her job duties consist of flogging, verbally humiliating, spanking and slapping are a few of the services Mistress Ruby provides to more-than-willing clients she affectionately refers to as “subs”(short for submissive). She is a professional dominatrix and the tools of her trade are a sharp tongue, leather, latex, rubber, steel and a desire to dominate.
“There are many individuals who want to submit, who want to give up control. They have fantasies that they want to play out. Not all of them want to be hit, but I’ll hit you if you ask me to,” she coyly explains.
Mistress Ruby’s services involve a co-mingling of the worlds of BDSM (Bondage and Discipline; Domination and Submission; Sadism and Masochism) and fetish, which in most literature, is defined as “something, such as a material object or nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification.” That fetish may be leather, [for men] dressing in women’s clothing, being verbally excoriated and on and on. The practice of BDSM has been documented as far back as 300 AD, after the publication of the quintessential sexual guidebook, the Kama Sutra. The book describes spanking and other erotic hitting.
Her role as a professional dominatrix (domme for short) is part of a growing niche market that continues to swell. It is only within the last decade that the more “vanilla” (mainstream, conventional notion of sexual practices which do not involve elements of kind, BDSM, or fetish) sexual population has caught a slight glimpse of the world of BDSM. The 50 Shades of Gray books and movie are perhaps the most well-known depiction of the BDSM lifestyle. Although many real-life BDSM practitioners and lifestylers take issue with certain elements and alleged inaccuracies portrayed in the trilogy, mainly centering around consent, the American public has nevertheless been granted a peek into that world.
As for Mistress Ruby, the role of domme is something she spent years preparing herself for. Since her early twenties, she has been studying and training in order to groom herself for the position. The spark that ignited her interest and introduced her to the world of BDSM was simple. She explains:
“I saw this episode of Real Sex that featured Pandora’s Box in New York which is a famous domme house. Time literally stood still for me. I saw those women and I immediately knew I was cut from the same cloth. The older I’ve gotten, I understand my fetish preferences more, because I am fetishist, I have kink, which is why I can do this job, and it has always fascinated me. I’ve read books, I’ve interviewed other dominatrices, and I’ve interviewed subs. I did all the homework before I started.”
There are some very important elements she discusses with all of her clients before a session or “scene” begins (a scene is the physical space as well as the activity involved within the BDSM context).
Boundaries and expectations are firmly established and consent governs everything. According to the website National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, consent is defined as “an informed voluntary agreement between 2 people to engage in a particular BDSM activity. . .” It’s important to note that agreement can be revoked at any time, by either party.
The mistress’ self-proclaimed mantra is safe, sane and consensual. Similarly, perusing any BDSM or kink website or literature will produce a sprinkling of those same words throughout.
Although Mistress Ruby is not permitted to divulge specifics about her clients, she did indicate they are all currently men (although she is not averse to doing sessions with women) and some of them hold positions of power along with the attendant respect within the community. Often her subs are seeking an escape from that power and go to her to play that out. Within the context of BDSM a total power exchange, where the dominant has complete control over the submissive.
“It is a power exchange,” she says. “My subs don’t want to make a single decision or have any say during the session.”
Mistress Ruby says the biggest misconception about domination is that it is the wanton mistreatment of someone.
“I’m not going to walk into the room and just start hitting you,” she says. “I’ll only do what you ask me to do.”
On the contrary, in her view she is actually providing a service not only to the client but to society in general. She explains the subs’ desire to engage in BDSM activities lies deep within the psyche and needs to be addressed and allowed to play out. Rather than trying to reason it out, will it away, or mask it, she admonishes people should seek out professional services such as she provides:
“It [fetish] will drive you crazy if you don’t do anything about it. Every fetishist will tell you they’ve tried to make this go away. It won’t go away, and so it has to have a healthy outlet. Imagine if someone denies their kink and their fetish and they just suppress it, they’re going to end up doing unsafe things with people who are not trained, and possibly get hurt, or hurt someone else. If someone seeks professional domme services, with a safe domme, there will be discretion, your personal life is not in jeopardy, you don’t have to worry about safety—it’s completely, 100 percent safe.”
Other common scenarios the mistress plays out include manners training which involves training the sub to speak properly and to instill proper etiquette—whore training, whereby, through forced feminization, the client is transformed into a woman ( or “sissy” as it’s referred to)used sexually and then left, and medical fetish that uses tools and implements. Any and all of these services can involve the use of humiliation, corporal punishment, strap-on play and strangely, cock and ball torture.
Mistress Ruby further advocates for professional domme services by pointing out that within the context of the dom/sub relationship, often there is more open, honest communication, trust and respect, resulting in healthier relationships. She explains further:
“There is more communication in a bdsm relationship scenario, than there is in any vanilla marriage on the planet. Everyone sees them as very dysfunctional because they’re alternative. But the definition of a healthy relationship includes communication, respect for each other, safety—and we have all those.”
Monetarily speaking, Mistress Ruby’s rates are nothing to shake a stick (or flogger) at. Her base rate for a one hour session is $200, which is subject to increase depending on her mood.
“This is the only job where I can raise the price because someone’s irritating,” she says.
To many, the idea of the female dominant seems to go against the social and evolutionary grain. However, for some, pro domme services are not only desired, but necessary. So to all of you who are considering trying out the role of dominant, sub, or both, let your kink flag fly!
Text: Denise Nelson Prieto
Photo: Frank Villasana – Nequim Pin Up & Boudoir Photography