(In order to protect the identity of the subject interviewed for this story, no names have been used. The subject will be referred to as “Mr. X.”)
When it comes to Mr. X’s sexual preference, one line from the Jane’s Addiction song “Ted, Just Admit It” sums it up perfectly—sex is violent!
Violence is a prime ingredient in the sexual gratification of Mr. X. I’m not talking your vanilla-friendly slap me, spank me pull my hair violence, violence as in bound, gagged, bent over, flogged, slapped, etc. The urge to be beaten and bound goes hand-in-hand with getting off for Mr. X. He is a sexual submissive (sub) who consensually gives up control for an agreed upon period of time to a dominant partner (referred to as a Dom or Master). Being a gay man, the dominant partner is ideally a male.
He is one of thousands of willing participants involved in BDSM practices (BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline/ Dominance and Submission/ Sado-Masochism). It’s difficult to put a precise number on the amount of Americans getting kinky in the bedroom, as study statistics range from 5 to 50 percent. However, even 5 percent of the population is a pretty hefty amount.
When Mr. X decides to “play” with a partner, he relinquishes all control. This is referred to as a “total power exchange” (TPE), a staple of many BDSM relationships, whereby the Dom has complete authority over the sub. Of course, there exist varying degrees of TPE. Some BDSM folks live this principle 24/7 and are termed “lifestylers.” Some only adhere to this standard for as long as the “scene” lasts.
Although he is what is termed a “switch”, or a person who can serve in either the dominant or submissive role, he prefers the submissive role. For him the element of pain and the relinquishing of control help enervate a sexual fantasy and achieve an end goal.
Another release is achieved when Mr. X undergoes sexual torture and humiliation that is very much aligned with some of the psychology associated with submissive behavior. Literature suggests this preference helps relieve some of the pressure associated with being a responsible, driven, “Type A” person in daily life. A seemingly paradoxical effect happens in that he is liberated and empowered by giving up control. He explains:
“Those who are in control of their lives by day need to give control away by night. I’m a successful person—I own my own business, I take care of things; so my daytime, or my outward persona, is a dominant situation. In order to be complete, I need a submissive, let-go outlet, and this is it. Doctors, lawyers, business men—they make the best submissives in the whole wide world, trust.”
In an article posted on the Psychology Today website, there is evidence of “subcortical circuits for both dominance and submission connected to the pleasure centers of the brain.” The article went further in explaining that the acts of BDSM are “cooperative and mutually gratifying” for the people involved.
Subspace is another huge component in the desire to engage in painful activities within a BDSM scenario. It is the euphoria experienced due to the release of endorphins and epinephrine in response to the intense pain and pleasure centers triggered within the brain when someone is being whipped, slapped, and so on.
“When that kind of stuff happens to me—the pain, the torture—that’s where I go, to that subspace,” Mr. X says. “I go to another place; it’s really not something I can describe.”
Mr. X discovered his predilection for BDSM practices a long time ago.
“I’ve been in the BDSM community for over 30 some odd years now. I used to play with magic, you know, Houdini, escape artist type magic, and I studied the rope stuff and learned it. One time I had someone tie me up and leave. I learned how to get myself out of the ropes. I started to like how it felt and I started to find it that it was a sexual release.”
Until recently, Mr. X was involved in a BDSM relationship with a semi-closeted gay man in Las Cruces. Because of his position within the community, said gentleman could not be forthright about his sexual orientation, and less so his sexual preferences. Mr. X has named him Mr. Las Cruces. He recounts his adventures:
“I would drive to Las Cruces once a week to submit to this gentleman. He would take care of me in more ways than one. As soon as I would pull into his driveway, I would strip naked in my van because I was not allowed to enter his house with clothes on. When I’d enter the house he’d have a pile of laundry waiting for me. Sometimes he wouldn’t be home when I’d get there and I’d tie myself up and wait for him to come home and continue the torture. He was very good at making me feel everything that was happening, and I’m a pain sub from hell. I’m a pain pig; I thrive on it, which is really scary!”
When asked what pleasure he derived from this arrangement he explains: “I’m making him happy, and that’s the ultimate—to make your dom happy; if they’re not happy, you’re not happy. I submitted to anything in order to make him happy.”
Consent and limits are 2 main components of a BDSM situation. Those limits, however, are different for everyone and subject to change at any time. Limits are what you are willing to consent to in play or serving. Mr. X admonishes any sub to expand his perspective on limits:
“If you’re a true submissive you need to try and surpass the boundaries you’ve set to make the person in charge happy. Say you don’t like something, but he wants you to try it—you got to at least give it a shot. If you don’t like it and he sees that it’s not really working, he usually won’t pursue it.”
Because of his religion, Mr. X keeps the gay and BDSM facets of his life under wraps. This quasi-double life is replete with stress, and could be creating a vicious cycle fueled by emotions that demand release in the form of pain, which may or may not be coupled with sex.
Mr. Las Cruces passed away suddenly more than a year ago, leaving Mr. X with no steady partner. Because of the secret aspects of his life, he says it’s been difficult to find people to play with; therefore, he’s had to get creative. He’s been doing some online webcam subbing to serve as an outlet.
“I put myself on camera, online, and let people tell me what to do. It’s not the best thing in the world, but I can get off and get my jollies taken care of. It’s just not physical because the other person’s watching me on the camera, maybe from the other side of the world.”
For Mr. X the pleasure of receiving pain is not only exhilarating, but also a necessary component in making him a complete human being. Nothing beats a kinky dalliance served up with a robust dose of suffering!
Text: Denise Nelson Prieto